No, I’m not talking about your parents or your first pet. Not even the first person you said I love you to. I’m talking about the person you made a lifelong commitment to. The one who stood by your side through your pregnancy. That guy you call your best friend.
Before we got married and pregnant, Matt and I lived an easy going life. One filled with adventure. One filled with love that didn’t need to be said. We fell for each other from the first date. He knew the way to my heart without even knowing a thing about me. He was the soul mate I had been searching for. (He still is!)
He made me feel wanted. Needed. Appreciated. He’s a man of few visual emotions, but you could feel his love radiating. He’s not one for conflict and very rarely did we ever get in a fight. We were always on the same page. We knew this was a forever thing.
Fast forward 3.5 years to us finding out we were pregnant. Our love for each other grew even stronger. We had been waiting our whole lives to become parents and it was finally happening. He showed me how truly blessed I was to be his wife. He supported me in every way possible for those 9.5 months. The days, even weeks after giving birth to Bailee, he helped me. He loved me even more.
But it wasn’t as easy for me. I had so many hormones affecting my moods and emotions, I didn’t want to show affection. I was tired. I was selfish. I didn’t show appreciation like I should’ve.
After having Bailee, I just wanted to be left alone. I wanted help with her, but give me some quiet time. And I definitely didn’t want to be touched. I felt postpartum body shame. I felt fat. Ugly. Totally unsexy and unappealing. Surely he felt the same way about me. Surely he wanted me back to the fit woman I used to be. I felt like he saw me as a ruined woman.
Having a baby changed our relationship. Our definition of love was different. Communication was even harder. We bicker a lot more because we’re are just exhausted. At the end of the day, we’re both so tired that we don’t really talk, we just eat, shower and go to bed. We’ve been on THREE dates since she’s been born.
Now 5.5 months into parenthood, I’m working on trying to bring that love back that we had before. Making time for ourselves after she goes to bed. Trying to have real conversations that aren’t baby related. Showing my appreciation for all that he does to allow our family to have a great life.
Taking it one day at a time. Someday we’ll get to a love that was even better than before.