Maybe She’s Born With It…

…maybe it’s mom bod. That’s a thing, right? Where you have bags under your eyes, hair in a bun, belly pooch and stretch marked thighs? No? Well, dang it.

Before I got pregnant, I never use to be a thin girl. I’ve always been a little bit stockier than the rest. And I really was okay with it. I had had my fair share of diets and workout regimens, and plenty of months of just being lazy and eating crap.

I may not have been shredded or even toned, but I was always comfortable and happy with my body. Self-conscious wasn’t a word in my vocabulary. Sure, I didn’t look great in everything I wore, but I rocked it. I oozed confidence.

When I moved to Texas, I got comfortable with my weight and spent my days hanging around, working out and eating whatever I wanted. I started worrying about body image when I couldn’t fit any of my jeans and shorts. I was maintaining a weight of 154 and I wasn’t happy about it. So I started focusing on weights and clean eating. I was working out 5 days a week and eating 1600 calories a day of clean foods. I did this for 11 weeks before our Florida vacation. I lost 17lbs of fat and I felt good and strong.

And then pregnancy started kicking in. I felt unmotivated. I felt fat. I felt like everyone around me who I saw was pregnant was small compared to me. The worst was my 5th month when I just felt like a lard; I didn’t feel like I even looked pregnant. But I started embracing it. I was creating a tiny human who didn’t know what any of those emotions were. I began slowly watching what I was eating and I was walking a couple miles every day. The day of my induction, I weighed in at 189lbs, gaining a total of 49lbs. It was mostly belly and thigh weight.

After having Bailee, I knew I’d drop the weight fast because I was going to breastfeed. By 3 weeks postpartum, I was already back down to 158lbs. But I still had more to go. I wanted to get down into the 140s. However, I had to give myself some grace. I just had a c-section. It wasn’t going to be easy and I had to wait to be cleared by my doctor to exercise again. At 6 weeks PP, I was cleared for all activity, but it took me until 15 weeks PP to get the energy and time to exercise. Which has been difficult trying to find the time with a high need baby.

I started hating the way my body looked and felt. I was still looking 5 months pregnant and everything jiggled. The only clothes I could fit were sweats, leggings and tank tops. My legs became ridden with stretch marks and my cellulite made its appearance again. I have the belly pooch I’ve never been able to fully get rid of. And I’m so self conscious of my scar that I went and bought one piece swimsuits to hide it.

I lost my identity when I became pregnant and it’s still gone, but it’s slowly coming back. I know I need to be kind to myself and my body. It took 38 weeks to create this baby girl, so it’s not going to go back to my previous body in record time. But I’m still allowed to feel ugly at times. I’m still allowed to have emotions about my postpartum body.

I may not get back to what I was before, but I don’t plan to. I’ll get to the body and mind that God intended me to have. Patience is key.


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